I don’t do “brokenness” very well.
I would much rather be the one who cheers others on as they feel broken by life. It’s easier to be the one with the encouraging words of wisdom for those who need to hear it.
But this week, I’ve been made extremely aware of my chipped and cracked area inside, and my constant need for a Savior.
I’m in the process of finishing up my Associates Degree (finally!), and with this accomplishment come awkward silence about what will happen next…I’m still not quite sure. While on the couch the other night, I began to ask my husband what he would tell one of his former students if they were experiencing these same symptoms- hypothetically of course, because I never just come out and say with hands waving in the air, “I’m overwhelmed! Help me! I’m the one struggling to make sense of it all! I feel like I’m broken from the inside out!” My eyes started welling up as I asked for his ears to listen to me….chip, crack, split, break.
My husband turned and looked at me and said, “I would tell them that this feeling is normal, but it is temporary. You are going through a major transition right now as you finish school and figure out what is next. All of the unknowns are weighing on your heart and all you are allowing yourself to see is the negative things that may or may not happen. It’s just a time of transition.” He knows me too well (thank God).
I couldn’t help but cry. He knows that I’m not good with feeling broken. I argued back stating that I can’t walk around broken for the next few months as I finish because I’ve got things to do, and a family to care for.
I don’t have time to feel broken.
I don’t want to feel sick over the unknowns of my future.
I don’t want to be…out of control.
I hate that I cling to it so tightly. It does me no favors; it only provides a temporary alleviation of the situations that surround me.
If I take care of this, things will be fine.
If I know where we are with this project, I’ll feel at ease.
If I just do this and avoid that, then it will seem as if I’ve got things figured out.
FYI: I don’t have everything figured out and- I feel pretty broken.
This brokenness is one I’ve felt many times before.
It’s the kind of brokenness that chips away at the pristine appearances I try to maintain. It chisels away at the stuff I try to hang onto. It brushes off the debris that I thought I needed. And through this process, I become more aware of my sinful and needy self.
When I allow myself to feel this brokenness, I mean really go through it,
I begin to feel the warmth of God’s light shining into my dark places.
I feel His hand holding me as he uncovers me and draws out who he dreamed me to be.
Pieces all over the place.
It might look like a mess of scattered ruins, but the breaking process is necessary to the finished piece.It’s the process of elimination- removing what isn’t necessary to draw out what should be.
I like to compare it to stained glass.
If the pane of glass were in pieces, without being soldered together, it would definitely not make sense or look like much of anything. But, when each piece of glass is carefully cut and broken to their correct sizes, and when those colorful parts are skillfully and delicately soldered to one another to make the finished pane or picture, it is placed in an area that catches light and displays beauty.
Usually on exterior walls, where it can be seen.
Brokenness is meant to be noticed.
It’s a beautiful reminder that all God wants from us when we come to Him is our spirit to be fragile and broken when we approach Him. He wants to create something new out of our broken places.
The places we aren’t comfortable admitting to.
The places we feel inadequate.
The places we feel like we can’t keep it together.
He can make it all new and different and beautiful, if only we’d come to Him…broken.
Broken can be humbling.Broken can be beautiful.
“My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.”
(Psalm 51:17 NIV)
I like it even better in this translation:
“Going through the motions doesn’t please you,
a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship
when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.”
(Psalm 51:16-17 MSG)
What am I going to bring to God today through my life?A performance? Or a broken and contrite (sincerely remorseful for my sins, and for the way I allow my life to get out of His control)?
I may not be able to see what this time of transition will end up like. And if you are experiencing a time of transition, I bet you understand. I may not even be able to avoid the waves of emotions that come and go on a daily basis. I’ve actually resolved to just let them come.
What I do know is this:
In this time where we may feel like we’re being made new, Our Savior is holding us together. When we allow ourselves to run to God broken, and feel the shards of brokenness in our hands and hearts, we are allowing God to bring wholeness back.
In brokenness God brings forth beauty.
We are all broken and we all have areas in which we must reach out for help.
We all do.
When we feel the cracks and creaks of brokenness well up from the inside, let’s be bold together and say, ” Come Lord Jesus, Come.”
Let’s reach out for help, let’s choose to go through this season of transition and brokenness with hope instead of fear, with peace instead of paranoia.
Let’s hand over the pieces of our brokenness and see what The Master Artist-Our Savior-creates with them.
God is God in every season of our lives.
In the season of brokenness:
May we offer up our broken pieces in exchange for wholeness,
May we see growth and healing, honesty and strength,
May we reach out for help, understanding that we can’t do it all, nor should we try to.
May we understand we are not alone,
May we go through transition and brokenness with hope instead of fear; with peace instead of paranoia.
May our hearts cry, “Come Lord Jesus, Come.”
May we see the beauty that shines through the broken.